Stop Struggling To Change Your Partner

Are You Struggling To Change Your Partner?

One of the biggest relationship hang-ups is expecting to find the “nearly-perfect” partner, provided that they can change a few of their “unlike-able” qualities. Or, on the other side of that token, finding that perfect person – with the hope and expectation that they never change. The plain and simple truth is this: people who head into relationships with either unrealistic expectation will be disappointed.

Adaptation and compromises to make living conditions more harmonious for both parties are never bad ideas, as is being open to trying new things. Likewise, remembering what attracted you to the person in the first place and accepting certain things about them is also refreshing.

In our business, we see our share of couples reaching the end of their relationship cycle. Many have tried talking things out, even with professionals, but realized something permanent and legally binding might be the next best step.

A relatively amicable conclusion with both parties on the same page is always preferred, but this is rare in situations when emotions and regrets are amped high. Essentially “he/she isn’t going to change so let’s just move on” is what many situations boil down to.

Being in the position that we are in, we strive to offer the best support and guidance to our clients and their families as they navigate the often-complicated divorce process. At the same time, we also hope that many couples never get to this point and are able to find ways to make things work.

A big part of this is acknowledging that some change really does need to happen for any relationship to grow and thrive, whether it’s new furnishings occasionally or physical changes in a partner like a new hairdo. But at the same time, change doesn’t have to be so frequent that people feel out of control or pressured to try on something they’re not comfortable with – which can be literal where fashion makeovers are concerned.

Try these strategies to introduce change in smaller ways without being disruptive or jarring.

  • Don’t mess with the core. Part of someone’s personality might be hard-wired, such as sense of humor, temperament, or how they process information. If they think these areas need to be changed, it requires internal concentration and support, not external pressure forcing them to do things another way. Hobbies or religion can be in the same danger zone – if the person wants to expand their views, great. But they may also take offense at efforts to modify their identity.
  • Try small surprises. Instead of trying to change them, change yourself or your surroundings. Show off your new glasses. Get a fun new gardening bench or a piece of art, but be sure to collaborate on larger investments like furnishings or pets.

Whether you’re from Mars, Venus or some other planet, communication is key. We’re happy to direct you and your partner to local counseling services if needed.


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Sonia M.
I did my own divorce last year by using a do-it-yourself divorce service. It was the biggest mistake I made. I thought I was saving money but in the end it cost a lot more: less custody of my child and no support. I contacted Ms. Sahnan and she fought for more time with my son and got my car back. Thank you!!

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